HERBERT!!!

Woman to couple walking up the street towards the bus stop, at the top of her lungs:  Herbert!  Herbert!  Is that you?  Herbert!  Come here and talk to your sister Herbert!

Lady, STFU...he's walking up the street.  He'll get here in less than a minute.  Must you yell?

Her yelling like that is stuck in my head.  Herbert!  Herbert!  I think I need some mind blowing sex where some man is yelling out my name to get her voice out of my head.  *rolls on floor laughing*  Then again that might not work and I could end up with her in my head yelling my name.  *shudders*

Expo Edition

Okay so this blog is supposed to be about my adventures riding the bus, but you know what it's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it, so this post is dedicated to the atrocities of this past weekend...Expo.

Actually this little tidbit is bus related. A few weeks ago a bus driver asked me if he could take me to Expo. After I told him that I didn't really care for the debauchery that is the weekend he told me all I really had to do was ride around in his car with him. I didn't even have to get out of the car. Um...right. I'm a beautiful woman (I'm not being cocky, that's confidence please don't get those confused), but I'm not a fucking trophy who you can parade around in your car. Lame-o.

Anywho...I work downtown in the mall and during Expo all the teenagers and some adults come out and parade around in outfits I can only assume come out of their closets just for Expo. It's ridiculous. Many, many fashion no no's. Oy. This is a probably a fraction of what I witnessed:

• lots and lots of fake sneakers, it broke my heart. Nice colorways though.
• tube socks (w/ stripes) and stilettos. I'm not sure what this chick was thinking.
• lace bras and booty shorts. (she could've be no more than 15)
  
• spandex outfits I normally see on strippers at the strip club (again on young, young girls. and yes I do enjoy going to the strip clubs, it's amusing. and yes I did state loudly something about stripper clothes and the girls looked back at me as if they knew EXACTLY who I was talking about.)
  
• more skin than when I go to the pool (and I wear a two-piece bikini).
  
• man-pris (I'm sorry if your shorts go down to your calves they're not shorts anymore).
  
• "dresses" that were probably more shirt length, you know you should be wearing leggings or pants or something with those.
  
• little girls trying to walk in stilettos, if you can't walk in the, don't wear them.
  
• oodles of sausage aka girls in shirts that are two or three sizes too small and making them look like...well...sausage...sausage being squeeeeeezed really hard.
  
• short shorts with airbrushing across the booty.
  
• them damn Kanye sunglasses.
  
• nice high waisted shorts and a cute top and some fucking sneakers.
  
• mismatch of brightly colored everything.
• at least 9 or 10 pregnant girls running around like they weren't pregnant at all

I spent a lot of my work day looking around and tilting my head to the side and saying to myself WTF??? I feel like I can't even express in words how I feel about what these girls had on. I know it's a different time/century, but still...put some fucking clothes on.

I'm pretty sure there were a lot of babies conceived this weekend.  As I was coming into work on Sunday a handful of girls were getting on the bus in what looked like the clothes they probably had on the night before.  My only guess is they slept in SOMEONE'S hotel room the night before.  Hmmm...

A Tame Week

The crazies must've been on vacation this week due to the heat (unbearable).  Or gearing up for this past weekend.  Here's what I got:

Monday:

• A deaf man in suspenders (I think that must be the new new ish) talking to himself.  Yes, talking to himself...in sign language.  I talk to myself too, I just try not to do it out loud whilst in public.  
• A couple arguing/fighting on the bus so much so that the bus driver stopped, got up and walked to the back of the bus and threatened to put them off the bus if they didn't knock it off.  

Saturday (told you it was a slow week): 

• Woman (caucasian) approaches the bus door and asks if there are any seats on the bus, the bus driver tells her there are.  She peeks in and turns around and doesn't get on the bus.  The bus wasn't packed at all and it was pretty tame for a Saturday afternoon considering most people were heading downtown for Expo.

Oh and by the way, just like I said I would, I rocked the driving test and am now a licensed driver.  I'm also being a responsible adult and putting away money every time I get paid so that I may soon purchase a car, even though I have no real desire to deal with all those stresses.  

Excuse me, what?

Saturday:

I was taught as a child not to talk to strangers and generally as an adult still stick to that rule, unless my spidey senses deem said stranger okay to talk to.  And sometimes I'm just an ass and like to completely ignore people because I don't want to participate in any type of interaction with them.  This happens quite often on the bus.

While waiting for the bus:

Woman (standing 20 feet away): Do you got any smokes?

Me: *shakes head no*

Woman (10 minutes later as she's walking up): Do you got any smokes?

Me: No, I don't smoke.

Woman: Have you been waiting long?

Me: Yes. 

Woman: You got a cell phone?

Me: No. *tells self not for you* (I generally tell myself, "not for you" in my head so I'm not completely lying.)

Woman (as she walks away): Mmmmmh, you smell good.

Me: *confuzzled look on my face*

She must've had an ultra sensitive sense of smell because she never really got that close to me and the lotion I currently wear isn't particularly strong either.  She later flagged down what seemed to be a stranger and asked him for a smoke and then climbed right into his truck with him.

Yeah, I don't know.

A Week in Review

Monday's Cast:

• a pudgy young girl (no older than 10) wearing PlayBoy bunny earrings and an ill fitting shirt who I believe at one point back talked to her mother
• a could be pregnant girl (it's hard to tell some days with the way girls carry that belly fat) and her ever present house arrest anklet
• a much older woman rocking the fake rocawear tee (definitely too old for that type of attire)

I don't know why it surprises me that a mother would let her daughter wear such earrings, but I guess some parents just don't care anymore.  

Tuesday's Tomfoolery:

• my favorite - a gentleman in a suit wearing a colt's blue undershirt carrying a small TV AND...wait for it...a child's powder puff girl umbrella.  

The ride to work this morning was...I don't even know what word to describe it.  A few of the bus drivers have hit on me, but today when the driver approached the main stop downtown he got up and sat next to me and blocked me in and asked if I would accompany him to Expo.  All I could do was laugh nervously.  I told him I didn't do Expo and he responded by telling me that all I would have to do was ride in his car with him (because it was going to be the hottest one there).  I'm sorry, I'm not arm candy.  And I'm not that girl who cares about what kind of car you drive.  I reluctantly gave him my number (he's the bus driver...he could get me banned from the bus, I try to play to nice.)

Wednesday:

"This bus is full, you'll have to get the next bus."  The bus driver to the passengers waiting at the stop.  She didn't even bother to slow down and the bus was no where near full.  I believe she said this into the PA system...but then again she could've just been talking to those of us on the bus.  *shrugs*

Thursday (today):

Pretty tame ride today.  Just a few drivers who cut the bus off causing the driver to honk the horn wildly.  Not driving fast enough: honk, honk, honk.  Cut her off:  honk, honk, honk.  Sees another bus: honk, honk, honk.

She Made Me Do It

Hi.  I ride the bus.  By choice.  Okay, maybe not entirely by choice seeing as I don't have a driver's license (I will on Friday though, it's when I take the driving test and I'm gonna rock it).  But when I get my DL, I'll still ride the bus.  With the price of gas right now and what not, I don't want to own a car.  And the bus suits me just fine.  

There are a lot of odd characters who ride the bus and a lot of times all I can do is either shake my head, sigh heavily or laugh and share the antics and tomfoolery with my co-workers and friends.  I was encouraged by a friend (*waves to friend*) to share with everyone...so this is my side of the story.